"But it is. In that inconsequential moment, sitting in front of a four-dollar lunch, I was almost as anxious as I've been at any other moment in my life."
I don't think you understand how structure is vital to my well being,
And why it is hard for me to breath throughout the day.
Someone steals my breath.
My chest heaves, hurts.
I feel as if I am having a heart attack.
Maybe a panic attack.
You can't understand how necessary it is for expectations,
Little or big,
To come true.
If for the moment, however inconsequential that moment may be, such expectations are lost,
So is my mind.
It twists and turns as if someone scooped all of my brains out,
Then set them in the frying pan for breakfast;
Quivering my mind races,
Trying to figure out a mathematical solution,
I am trying to find the reason for such madness.
I will always be able to find the reason for such mishaps,
Reason, however, does not have to be logical.
Once the ultimate reason is found, blame is stated,
Consequences are announced,
And my heart begins to pound,
Faster and faster,
Until that expectation is delivered,
I cannot continue without heart palpitations.
In the end I'm convinced that I'm having a heart attack,
At 22, I will die of a heart attack.
Unless you have ever had the dread of anxiety looming over your mind,
You might not understand.
Simple everyday task become hard,
Soon checking your voice-mails could put you in the hospital.
Little incidences throughout the day begin to deliver heart attacks,
The mind can be so fleeting,
So desperate and scary,
Only the beholder can experience and innocent bystanders become victims of its hold.
"Kate and I also appear to share the genetic material that codes for an allergy to practical behaviors, such as opening one's mail or returning library books, but unlike me Kate doesn't have a spouse to pick up the slack..."